power of your love

Lord i come to You,
let my heart be changed, renewed
flowing from the grace, that i found in You
Lord i've to come to know,
the weaknesses i see in me
will be taken away,
by the power of Your love

HOld me close, let Your love surround me
Bring me near, draw me to Your side
And as i wait, i'll rise up like the eagle
And i will soar with You, Your Spirit leads me on,
In the power of Your love

you lied to me. i was a fool for trusting you. you lied. you lied a big fat lie. and now i suffer. because you're too cowardly to face up to your lie. i dont hate you for it. i feel sorry for you. i pray to God each day, to forgive your sins of deception. i pray to God each day, that one day, you'll realise what you've done, and repent before the Lord. i pray to God each day, that i'll find the capacity and the love in me, to forgive and forget. i pray for you..i do.

raindrops keep falling on my head.... tears keep falling on my cheeks. tears of frustration, anger, desperation, sadness.. some people try to help. yeah i rly appreciate it. but i need to deal with this by myself. i need to face up to it and deal with it. no longer should i run away frm my problems, or shirk away frm the fear of dealing with it. i will face up to it. i will, with God's strength and guidance, i will survive.

i thank God each day for my two little joys at home : ) my dogs can make me smile no matter how bad each day is. i kno they're always there for me.. to hug, to have fun with, to cuddle, to juz fool around and act like a kid all over again. they've never abandoned me, and they always seem to be there when i cry.

guess theres always something to thank God for huh..

speechless

why is it i feel the way i do? i cant explain this feeling thats running through me. a feeling of incomplete. like theres something missing.

but what's missing? i cant place it. idk why i dont feel peace within me. its as if i need reassurance. but reassurance from whom? frm what? i cant explain.

sometimes i wonder, if i ever made a difference to someone else's life. if the words i say, the things i do, ever made someone else smile. i ponder about the friendships i have made. the bonds im so afraid to break.

idk why im thinking the things i am now. maybe it's cuz i finally have some time to take a breather, tt my brain starts functioning normally instead of trying to suck up statistics, math formulas, and literary quotes. and then i feel fear. the fear of what's ahead. of what's going to happen. of changes.

after leading a sheltered life and well-trodden path of life, suddenly, we're slammed with responsibilities, choices, and crossroads. the point of no return. this little boat is afraid of leaving its dock, after dreaming forever of being outward bound. it aint so easy when u're face to face with danger itself.

my mind's a mess. i start to ponder about the dumbest question on earth. what makes me happy? what is happiness all about? im not one to believe in the philosophical crap that our society's loaded us with. and yet, when ur mind's trapped in the eye of a whirlwind, you start to ponder about MANY things.

i feel.. confused. for the lack of a better synonym. maybe a little more fear than anticipation. somehow, i just feel like im out of it. withdrawn into my own little world. i guess it happens sometimes huh?

i feel like i wanna cry. thing is, i wouldnt kno wat i would be crying about.

one year, six months

6 hours of writing have finally passed. shld i laugh because it's over, or cry because all i wrote was bullshit, or frown cuz idk what to feel? i dont rmb wad i wrote, except my last essay for return of the native, bcos it was my LAST paper. in my current brain-dead stage, i recall writing down some love advice in response to "comment on the development of the love relationship btwn Clym and Eustacia". in other words, i found myself in the role of aunt agony when i shld have been in the mind of an astute observant literary critic.

"A love relationship will never work out btwn two individuals if they enter it loaded with expectations of the other!"

"How can a love relationship survive without compromises and sacrifices made to one another?!"

"A couple needs to listen to one another so as to understand one another's desires and wishes."


please give me an A for my fantastic ability to dish out love advice.

maybe thats the prob wit lit. it gets to whirled up into real life (it's supposed to anyways) that you start writing from experience. you dont see science students having this prob.

sigh.

my day started out wit a big fat ugly BLACK cockroach running over my hand in the bathroom, and frm then on my day juz got worse. gah. give me ants, mosquitoes, other creepy-crawlies.. even lizards. anything, BUT cockroaches. thats juz a tad too much.

AND.. i lost my pencil case. gee, my day juz cant get any better.

God, u there? i could rly use a hug now.. hold me in Your arms, never let me go. i'll cry on Your shoulders, lean on You as my pillar of strength. God, please tell me everything's gonna b alright...



There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me
Should I keep on waiting
Or does love keep on fading away..

holding on

"And then a hero comes along,
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside,
and you know you can survive"

i wanna be that hero. my own hero.

my 178th post. blogging is therapeutic. immersed in a self-pledged time of no worries and rantings. blogging soup for the soul.

hey, at least i had a fun time in the library today blowing plastic balloons wit cherie :p so we made a bubble-man, which shrank to an incoherent mass of undescribable.. thing in 20 minutes. we took a picture of that "thing" we made wit cherie's phone, which was christianed as 'jerrie' (a combi of our names), and it looked rly funny on the phone because it was transparent and yet not transparent, so that it looked like a ghost wit distorted eyes and a mouth or nose in the picture.

i think the studying's getting to our heads.. ha ha.

an sms aptly summised our day tmr. -ding- "you've got hell". yes, hell. 6 hours of writing, 3 lit essays, 5 DRQs, and 1 geog essay. today was 13 page of econs essay (which still dont cut it cuz i didnt even finish). sometimes i wonder y im in the arts fac when i absolutely hate writing wit my pen.

ok back to tourism case studies..

sapped

sometimes it seems, when even giving your 200% just dont cut it.

where nothing seems to work, no matter how hard you try.

if at first you dont succeed, try, try, try again.

but at times i cant help but wonder, if i shld keep on trying. pushing for something tt isnt there. knowing tt each time i leap, i fall.

hello God, it's me again. me against myself. i am my greatest enemy.

having to withstand orders barked out like insults during area cleaning didnt help much either.

o well. i guess i'll order another plate of tiramisu. no, wait, make it a box.

just to see you smile, i'd do anything

ahhhhh chilled home-made tiramisu served right as the clock chimes twelve. just what the doctor ordered : )

gosh its amazing how a mix of chocolate&coffee can make a girl so happy :D even knowing im gonna flunk my math paper (n subsequently geog and E1) isnt gonna make me any less satiated than i am now.

thank you lord for listening to my silent prayers...

i am amazed. awed. truly, You make all things beautiful in Your time.

"Things that are past are done, with me"

i can smile, as You flood me with peace. i can laugh, as You fill my heart with warmth, the warmth frm the care tt people around me have shown for me. i am truly, truly touched. and in spite of everything, i am truly, truly blessed.

panic alarm

"brring!" goes my panic alarm. or went off ytd night. somehow i managed to snooze it, since im online now typing this post. idk maybe i just dont realize prelims is in 2 days time.

joy, prelims are in 2 days time.

doesnt seem to work. hmm.

or maybe it has to do wit the resignation to my doomed fate. i am more than 110% sure that im not gonna b able to finish studying. nada. doesnt help knowing that alotta papers are killer papers too.

i got a new laptop today :D whee. my dad went out empty handed in the morning, and produced a sleek silver laptop upon his return. this 40 gig baby replaced my CPU tt has been faithfully slogging for me since my 14th birthday. bye baby i'll miss u. haha. sentimental? nah im juz playing around :p

got a boombox in my room now too :D my radio life's back!

man this is so NOT conducive.

stop it joy.

out.

And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know

light in your eyes

i realized i have a very (extremely) high tendency of sprouting nonsense when im tired. somehow my brain juz shuts down, and my mouth takes over... till the person im talking to starts getting rly amused, and screams at me JOY WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? i wld snap outta it, mumble my excuse 'oh sorry im rly tired', and 5 min later.. JOY!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??

tt was prolly wat happened in ytd's phone conversation wit sam. i dont rly have much recollection of what we actually talked about, except tt i was talking rubbish n prolly gibberish. oops. im sry sam. it was rather late heh =p

ive managed to land myself in 3 paper cuts today. once while helping mac sort out his photocopied math papers, twice while actually DOING the math papers. grr. paper burns.

ok nonsense aside, i think im so very extremely tremendously screwed for prelims. insurmountable piles of geog notes to gallop myself thru, formidable list of shakespeare quotes to memorize, and of course not forgetting to package our 10 novels into bite-size content to be regurgitated on exam day.

maybe theres more than one reason why im sprouting nonsense afterall.

let me be the one

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another" - Walter Elliott

facing difficulties persevering. common theme in the struggle of life. but the one who perseveres win. because in galatians 6:9, God tells us, "let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart".

still a lil overcome by fatigue frm ytd night's nat day party, and late night MSN convos. my confidence interval juz shrunk by more than half after i flunked the TJ math 2004 paper. making mistakes i shldnt have, confusing myself in mathematical formulas tt i shld have at my beck and calling by now. why cant i be gd at math for juz once in this life.

i really (really, really, really) cant wait till after prelims.

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you