this is it

i don't understand why i cant perform on stage anymore.
i used to thrive in performance, be it in choir, orchestra, piano, etc. i loved it, i loved the attention, i loved the applause, and i loved the exhiliration.
but of late i realized i cant handle it anymore - i black out, forget my act/lyrics, do the wrong things and don't cover up well. i cant perform anymore.
it's annoying, to have something that you once love turn into something that you now fear.
i know it's a psychological barrier; something i need to get over and deal with. but i cant do it until i figure out what this barrier is, or what's causing this barrier.
soo annoying!

gna start preparing for the econs d&d soon. this graduation dinner/party marks the end of my NUS life, although technically it hasnt really ended yet considering i still have reso's VO4 rehearsals, as well as summer school to finish up my hons track.
but it's the only symbolic event i'm gonna get to mark the end of my college career, since i wont be attending the commencement due to clashes with summer semester :x
no throwing of grad hats, wearing of billowing grad gowns, or receiving my degree scroll from a dean whom i've never met, or laughing at the honorary guests who sleep on stage during commencement speeches.
this.is.it

smile in vietnamese

gooood morning vietnam!

waking up today in one of vietnam's bestest hotel is one of the nicest feeling ever.
i'm refreshed, renewed, and rejuvenated, with all the love in the world for this beautiful hotel and the service staff, who have been so generous and so kind to the us.
not because this is a 5-star hotel that we paid a bomb for and are merely reaping the gains of money spent; this is but a 2-star hotel that cost about 10USD/night, in the busy but not-so-class street of Cua Dong in Hanoi.
however, the 5 of us all concurred that this hotel felt more like home than any of the others that we've stayed at in this trip, despite being the cheapest, and lowest star-rated one.

on the other hand, the hotel which we paid the most for was one of the worst we've stayed in, in our LIVES.
we went on a tour to Halong Bay the past 2 days with Ocean Tours, and while we had a really wonderful english-speaking tour guide who was filled with zest and enthusiastic about everything, the accomodation was pretty much everything in its opposite.
to put it in a few words - we literally stayed in an attap house, complete with leaking roofs, no air-con, hot water only in fixed times, and a haven for insects on rainy days. and i'm not even exaggerating.
this was the Ocean Beach Resort that was part of our tour package, and while the journey there was quite some fun (as we kayaked the valleys and through the caves, visited floating fishing villages, and lazed on the deck of the boat), the resort was the epitomy of idyllic, with basically nothing to do other than hang around the beach restaurant, play some pool, table soccer, and drink.
great if you're nearing your 60s, and are okay with lazing your hours by the sea; but not that fantastic if you're looking for an adventure.
pictures will be up soon of the beach resort - it has made urban living and everything else in my life appear just abit more bright and wonderful.

anyway, now that mac has awoken from his deep slumber, it is time for free breakfast!
idk why i woke so early, considering how late we stayed up last night playing poker/blackjack with Vietnam dong.
it's soooo fun to gamble with dong - it makes you feel bloody rich ("I raise $5,000!")
yea but today's the last day in Hanoi, and also the last day at Serenity -wails-
tomorrow it's back to Ho Chi Minh by plane, back to its hecticism and crazy traffic.
today we're going on a motorbike tour (if it's safe), and then to the airport.
i'm going to miss Hanoi! :(

i am a graduate!

just testing out the macro conversion lens that i got the other day at funan mall; a single rose for mother's day, with close to no post-processing.
mother's day and a single rose don't quite go, i know, but it'll have to do for now till i get a better gift tmr. baad planning.

so anyway, i'm now writing this post as a college graduate (well, sort of), and it is really the most awesome feeling EVER.
i know how the saying goes, about how the pasture's always greener on the other side, but as of now, i'm just so excited about completing my studies, which opens a huge new phase of life for me, with so many changes, things to look forward to, and things to work for, and most importantly, NO EXAMS!
i woke up the other day to my alarm (and a billion of other incessant noises), and then began running thru in my head the things i needed to study for the day, before i realized that doing that was a thing of the past, at least for the near future.
and then i couldn't stop grinning for the longest time ((:

my mind's been also put at ease with my recent signing of contract, that marks the official beginning of my career as a civil servant - something that i never thought i would be, but nonetheless something that i look forward to very muchly. i'll be starting work in august though, leaving me plenty of time for much needed R&R, grad trips, and the luxury of time and nothing to worry about at all for a while. totally works for me (:

i'm going to turkey next monday! never been to the middle east before, so it's gonna be an experience. we've got white water rafting, hanggliding, horseriding tours, and hopefully hotair balloons for the trip. i cant wait already!

sore

Natalie sent me this email today:

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, 'Who would like this $20 bill?' Hands started going up. He said, 'I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, 'Who still wants it?' Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, 'What if I do this?' And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. 'Now, who still wants it?' Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who do love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special- Don't ever forget it.'

Count your blessings, not your problems. And remember: 'amateurs built the Ark; professionals built the Titanic'.

"If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it."

sigh just have to remember that.

body combat

i swear i haven't been this utterly exhausted and totally wiped out in a long time.
in this case, that's a good thing cuz it's from the body combat class i had this aftn at vivocity gym. it's somewhat like the ones we did in AC, except a lot less cheesy, and way more intensive. halfway through the class we were perspiring buckets, and really sore in the arms and abs
by the end i was like jelly.

it all came about when i got a call a few weeks back to go for a free gym-trial with TrueFitness
i knew they were gonna pile on the sales talk and all, but still fell prey to it because i had decided to embark on a fitness pick-me-up recently, and it just felt right. so mac and i signed a corporate package with TrueFitness gym for 3 months, and we'll see how that'll go before deciding on a longer commitment period. i wonder how long this exercisemania will last before it dies out; but while it lasts, i'm really glad i'm actually exercising again.
it's almost an alien concept since i stopped my pilates classes, and moved out of my condo that had a badminton court to play badminton with.

in other (exciting) news, i booked tickets to vietnam with my girlfriends and their plus-ones!
it's all very exciting cuz i've been wanting to go for a very long time, maybe to discover some of my roots. plus we got 1 CENT TICKETS with tigerairways, smth i thot was never possible.
of course, with taxes and seat choices it all added up to slightly more than a hundred, but it's still really cheap. it's going to be my first on a budget airline, and i'm psyched about giving it a try.
i'm also thinking of going to australia or new zealand during grad-trip period.
we'll see how that turns out!

1 down, 3 to go

i think i slept about 3 hours last night in total. laid in bed for the other 5 tossing and turning

insomnia is one of the most annoying and irritating things to have - esp when you have an interview early next morning

by God's grace and mercy i made it through the interview today. or at least i think i did, judging from the nods from most of the directors who came down today.

but then, i have one more with the same org, same place tmr, just with a separate group of directors. the HR personnel called me just now to tell me tehre might be yet another interview with yet another director.

3 separate interviews from one organization. i hope that's a good thing.

anyway, ms clarity cafe lunch with the churchies ytd after acappella prac is making me craving for that cream linguine thing that sophia had. and the mumbo jumbo cheese fries.

i've had such a bad impression of ms clarity before ytd, from the two times i've gone, both were noisy, had lousy quality food that was not worth its price, and unsatisfactory overall.

maybe the thomson branch is alot better. or maybe i was just hungry.

ok going to pick mac up frm the airport now. brunei-no-more! (:

nostalgia

recently i've been feeling pangs of nostalgia; not really those that make me want to return to the past, but those that make me want to look back and smile upon the fond memories that i've had.
i dug out my memory box the other day (okay there wasnt much digging; it's just right there) and went through many of the pictures, diary entries, movie ticket stubs, old organizers etc, and i realized that i've had a plentiful, fulfilling and blessed life.
it's not that i dont know it already; but time and time again, a fresh reminder makes life seem all so colorful and bright once again.
i recently met up my nygirls of the west when yingtong came back from japan, as well as josh&sab recently for shisha - and it's good to know that, what was colorful& bright, has remained colorful & bright.

another slightly nostalgic moment was about sending mac off at the airport today.
admittedly i havent done that in a lonnnggg while; i don't even remember the last time i sent him off to go to somewhere =p
picked him up at his place because his mom, grandma and sister packed so much stuff to bring they couldn't fit in one cab lol! and it's only for 5 days!
anyway ytd night, on the pretext (read: excuse) that mac was flying today, we finally found ourselves at the new spa/massage place near my place, hidden in the centre of all the houses

it's like a complete different world once you step into the place - soothing music, aromatic lemongrass oil, ginger tea served while getting a foot pre-massage, and extremely friendly staff with soothing voices. so un-urban!
we were led to a couples room for the massage, and even the interior design was very chillax and not-urban, altho the picture below doesnt quite do it justice (but it was dark OKAY)

the massage itself was pretty heavenly, partly cuz we were both tired, and also beacuse the whole experience was just such an escape from urban hecticism that it was so enjoyable.
after that was chilli crab and some old-people-style walking around the neighborhood

the perfect excuse to neglect the beckoning workload on my study table (:

back to nature

bubble always has that 'dude where's my car' look. like DAWGGG.
but anyhow the trip to botanical gardens with the dogs on saturday morning was fun and way overdued. been a while since we've been there, or brought the dogs out for fun since we've moved.


short of a picnic basket, we had a nice day of tanning, chasing the dogs (tt were chasing the birds tt were chasing for stray pieces of bread on the lawn), and then some picture-moments with flowers, trees, and anything that was bright and colorful on that day.

in the evening we dated victor&sooyein for "alice in the wonderland", which i thought was just alright and not spectacular given its buzz, marginally saved by a superb performance of Mad Hatter by johnny depp, who managed to make him brilliantly insane and eccentric and funny all at the same time. it practically overshadowed Mia Wasikowska's portrayal of Alice, imho. but other than that, it was a generally okay movie, visually enticing with interesting creatures from the underland, peppered with comic relief and cutesy characters that prevented the movie from becoming too dark.

pokerface

5 hours of poker with econs hons students - the new definition of TGIF