panacea of my heart

quietude. solitude. weariness. essence of the thurs school day. emotions that transcend understanding. thoughts than metamorphosed into confusion. mechanically shuffling in and out of classrooms. mumbling prayers of steel. lost in utter translation.

we've walked onto separate islands. no communications, no hope. nothing left to say; nothing left to feel. why have i been so deluded? i experience a myriad of unexplained thoughts and feelings. trapped in my very own dreamscape. no, make it nightmare-scape.

frustrations. annoyance. disappointment. you - a once 'is', now but a 'was'. i know i shouldnt care. but i cant help but do. you've turned me against you, yet u're unaware.

Hold me in Your arms,
never let me go

someone give me a beer.

diabetes!! : )

omg. I really wonder if I deserve to be treated so nice sometimes. jeremy's seriously a sweetie. what was meant as a passing comment bout my brownie craving became a reality when he bought me TWO mrs fields brownies and brought it to my place!!! *gasps* how better than to end a day with the chocolate, sugar, and everything nice...

BUT... thats not gonna happen cuz im down with a fever -.- of all days ugh!

had a rly long gd talk wit mac ytd. Its becoming like a lil mon weekly thing lol to have our long talks after tuition but its great company I have to say : ) we successfully chilled away 3 rather eventful hours in the music room ytd while waiting for tuition to start. mac n Edwin had their lil accident, and I found myself walking all the way to the sports complex to get the deep heat spray, only to find myself in my own lil 'accident' there. Grrr...

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend;
I'll help you carry on : )

I must say Im rather pleased wit myself today for a rather successful study session after sch in the hub : ) thanks kenneth for the mexican souvenirs and lollies! they were nice : ) I had one-on-one consultation for econs too. Woo bring on the pressure. but im glad ive got some doubts cleared up now : )

Lol looking back on my past entries.. I realized they've been pretty opaque and obscure =p guess pple prolly dont kno wad im writing bout.. unless they kno me well lol. Ah well thats the beauty of blogging. ultimate liberty in content. hehe : )

here's an inspirational i found that was pretty gd dosage to my procrastination:

"Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans"

of course, if you're like mac, whose response was 'but i dont have plans!' when told of the quote, i guess it doesnt apply haha :p

ich liebe dich

instead of studying music therapy, i think i might venture into the art of retail therapy lol. i swear, it works magic. maybe the study of how it works will allow legitimate shopping in the future : )

So lift up your heart to the heavens;
Theres a loving and kind Father there
Who offers release - comfort and peace -
In the silent communion of prayer

amidst all, i felt a sense of emptiness in me today. like a void created deep in my heart. was it loneliness? i dont think so. even when i was with friends that feeling plagued me. it wasnt because they were bad company. but more because i had a myriad of unanswered questions swimming in my head. sometimes i wonder what i live for each day. what my purpose is in each day. whether i was happy because of the unnamed obligation that comes with my name to appear JOYful and cheered.

i realized i have changed from the person i was last year. things were so much simpler and clearcut last year. there was a freedom last year that juxtaposes against the claustrophobia that i have experienced this year. i cant determine whether the change was for the better or for the worse just yet. in a sense ive become more vocal about my thoughts while i use to take whatever that came last time. but that also means that i have a lower tolerance level for issues that i use to be able to take.

When i'm far away, You were there
To draw me back again, into Your care

i closed my journal of 7 years ytd with a final entry on its last pages. the flowery book that has brought me through my turmoiled thoughts and esctatic delights since i was 12 has finally been filled cover-to-cover with my memories that i would never exchange for anything in the world. i was hoping it would last me through A levels, which would then have been filled with my 3 major exams - PSLE, O'levels and A levels. but doesnt seem like it :p i shld go journal shopping now.

So here i am, all by myself
Thinking of you, nobody else
Theres a feeling inside, and as hard as i try
It just wont go away

in my desolation, God's words are so soothing. Scott Krippayne once sang:

In my deepest night He is the guiding star;
In my sinfulness He is the forgiving heart;
A willing ear for each silent prayer,
A shoulder for budens i cannot bear -
Sweet company from now through all eternity"

and i say, amen : )

of course, theres always the ridiculously hilarious behavior of my dogs that never fail to make me laugh no matter what the circumstances were.



cant imagine how she managed to arrange herself in such a small BATA shoe box. the amazing works of the animals' minds.

it's pouring outside now, and the cool wind's blowing. the perfect weather to tuck myself into the warmth of my bed, and catch the early flight to lalaland.

out and over.

more to life

"Up in the skies, I look very carefully to see your face.
I wonder if you're there, I wonder if you're thinking of me tonight
I just want to tell you that looking at the stars makes me think of you"

school's a drag. it rly is : (

shopping. brownies. chocolates. ice-creams. movies. shopping. again.

soon. right.

the remedy

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."

i know im blessed. yes i am. each night as i speak to my Father before i sleep, i find so many things to give thanks for, of course amidst many things to pray about. the bestt and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or heard, but must be felt in the heart. and through it all, the best thing that i have right now is God's peace : )

strings election + party ytd was pretty alrite. pepperoni pizza! :D congrats to the new exco. wonder wad its like for them to work wit the madams. i really wonder. juz a few more rehearsals to go b4 the end of chamber. prolly the end of my strings playing too. bitter-sweet feelings bout tt. but cant say im not excited bout the end of cca :p

i came home in a record time today. i reached home at 2pm for my much-needed sleep. stayed up last night to complete my work. my thumb is still a lil bruised frm wrestling wit mac over the pepsi twist ytd. >.< stupid boy i brought back the pepsi twist for him frm sch and he didnt drink it!!

ok. gonna hit the books. hopefully.

when you cry

Heaven knows you're with me now
Heaven knows that you're here
I feel your breath all around me now
And all the pain just disappears
It goes away, it goes away

And it only hurts, when you cry
I'm alone inside, when there's tears in your eyes
I can't hide and say I'm fine
But it only hurts, when you cry

You carry too much on your shoulders
I can't wait till you let me down
Cause the only thing we're getting is older
This time never comes back around
You just gave it, gave it away

And it only hurts, when you cry
I'm alone inside, when there's tears in your eyes
I can't hide and say I'm fine
But it only hurts, when you cry
When you cry

Heaven knows you're with me now
And I'll do my best to hold on
Cause nothing is worth all this fighting now
And I won't give up till it's gone
Make it go away, go away
Make it go away, go away

dance with my father

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end

How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end

'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

love without expectations. treasure what we have now. many times when we're seeking our wants we neglect what we already have. my dad's leaving tmr again. it's all too soon.

such a beautiful song. tho i hope to god that day will never come. but it's a great song to end the hectic and busy week. brings u into a state of contemplation. life's so much more than just all that.

twice in a row ive accomplished the void-deck-study goal. with fellow study-ers cherie and edwin. the void deck's so serene at night. today while waiting for cherie, i took some time to rest (ie stone) at the bleachers. with music plugged in from the ipod, and the cool rainy weather, it was almost perfect, other than the arguments frm the nearby couple. got me psyched up for the 2 hour study that commenced : ) or less. yup definitely less.

whatever. i still studied today.

the best deceptions

guess wad. ive made a decision. im not gonna sit around and wait for something that i kno will never happen. its like waiting for rain in a drought. useless and disappointing. life is a road that i wanna keep going. with or without you.

We can't blame others when love dwindles away
For we knew from the start it never promised to stay.
It's just one of those thinkgs where the stakes are high
and sometimes its forever and sometimes its good bye

today started like any other day. i was rather amused by "chicken run" that was showing when i stepped into the hall. partly cuz i think chickens look funny, but largely because it was in CHINESE. lol. somehow playdoh chickens who speak chinese and flap their wings juz makes me wanna laugh.

i miss having the sugar rush in my system already. i want icecream and brownies!! i wish daily scoop wld juz set up a store in AC. PLEEAASSEE!! i promise i'll buy frm that store every day and wont press charges when i get supersized.

hur. fat hope. well. it doesnt hurt to dream every once in a while.

got an abrupt call after sch demanding that i meet josh n mac at the lobby after sch. and then i got whirled into going to the swim meEt. (i sent out 3 smses saying i was going to the swim meat. shit) it was rather exciting, the matches. AC put up a great fight against RJ : ) wad was even more amusing was when all the swimmers jumped into the pool, and i spotted mac in the pool in FULL UNIFORM. interesting.

Life will go on and broken hearts will heal-
you must continue on yourquest, for thats the deal.
Throw your heart into life and never stall-
For the greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.

i shld start studying. like right NOW.

hakuna matata

"Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief" - Joseph Addison

somehow, i find the reading of the philosophy of life for a GP test rather anomalistic. in the first place, "philosophy for dummies" shldnt even be published. i find it somewhat wrong to dissect people and life into labeled categories for study and observation, because in life, everything is ambiguous and capricious. life is more than science and technology that people have condemned it to.

i think i'll suscribe to the childish yet appealing philosophy of life - hakuna matata.

up till ytd night, the song had been archived in my memory. but when mac played it on his zenmicro ytd, it all came back. the lyrics, the song, the cartoon.. and i thot to myself. how apt.

mac and i had a nice long chat ytd night. with the company of beautiful soothing music and cooling after-rain night air. it's funny how two people, still clad in school uniform, totally drunk with exhaustion, can juz indulge in music and conversation into the night, with no worries or troubles whatsoever about the next day lol. it was, surprisingly, very rejuvenating and refreshening. it gave me a sense of peace, which wiped the frown of stress and sadness away frm me : ) i rly thank God for such friends around me.

its rly amazing how little things that happen to me each day can paint a smile on my face. little things that God placed in my life that makes my day so much better : )

i took some time off to indulge in my sweet tooth today : ) took a trip down to daily scoop wit joshua for brownies and ice-cream after school. it was SINFULLY delicious. i rly LOVE daily scoop. i missed the feeling of being high and happy on sugar and cream. health and weight loss can come later =p mel's been a dear and have been bringing home-made brownies to class everyday too : ) that's what i go to school for lol.

sigh prelims are in 32 days. time to work it. hit the books hard. we got back our result slips today. although our whole class is convinced that there are major errors with grade calculations, im pretty worried bout the polarization of my results. i got extreme ends for my 4 subjects - i did rly well for my arts, and rly badly for my sciences. A(geog), B(lit), E(econs), F(math) o_0 *applause*

o whatever. hakuna matata. no worries for the rest of MY days. call me naive, but this is gonna b MY problem-free philosophy - hakuna matata

blurry eyes

someone once said: "Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a fairy tale." however, thats juz part one. he forgot to end in part two: fairy tales? they're all but lies.

So I won't give up
No I won't break down

im aching everywhere. yea literally everywhere. arts games ytd a BOMB. yea AHRed rocks. sure we lost all games. got thrashed in captain's ball for that matter. there were juz too many guys (really tall guys at that) in AA3. but it was a gd game anws. we played our best, and in the end everyone's a winner : ) n we had LOADS of fun while at it, so who cares.

there were other games as well. street bandy, and twister. we played all the way into the night. dinner was satay frm an awesome indian chef, and more junk food and brownies that mel made!! : ) ive nv eaten so much thrash at once. but it was GOOD. then it was the twister game all the way till near 10. it was cr8zy. but ytd makes me rly proud to b in AHRed. yeah. almost our whole class played the games, which was part of the reason which made it so fun : ) i love arts fac.

And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

so more voyeurism into my saturday:
geog class in the early (damn) morning. 8am. i overslept and only woke up cuz of a bad dream. guess God must b telling me to WAKE UP!! so after plate tectonical drifts and East African rifting, i went for chamber tune-in. games. lunch. rehearsal. its a wrap. went for lunch wit josh mac & wayne. cabbed down to church for band prac. home sweet home.

thnx guys. for everything. u kno who u are.

It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart

blue eyes blue

i thank God for amazing friends. you guys make my life beautiful

i had an awesome time ytd. it was seriously DA BOMB. the 'nE company' came over!! : ) i miss you guys SO MUCH!! i felt so comfortable and nostalgic amidst the same bunch of people who took me through my high sch years. granted that we havent met each other for the longest time, but it was like nothing has come btwn us all those time tt we were apart. u juz plunge right back in to the beautiful company of friendship and laughter juz where we left it. thank you God for true friendships that last and strong companionship that made my day so much better : )


all of us : )


jasmine's not a fan of chick flicks :p


sara and ong and ginger

on the other hand, today wasnt that good. the exhausting day b4 wiped me out for sch today, and even tho i pink-slipped outta sch for the cardiologist appointment it wasnt much better. i fell asleep in consecutive waiting rooms n the nurse had to walk OUT to wake me up. oops. results of the exam was nonetheless disappointing. strictly no napfa now, and i got transfered to the National Heart Center *gasp* apparently theres more mitral regurgitation or something (which is bad). on the bright side, i got to listen to the wonders of body works when the kind doctor made me listen to my heart thru his stethoscope so i wld understand the problem better. funky.

i dragged my feet back to sch, juz on time for the NUS talk. which turned out to b rather.. funny. the guys were totally dissing everything the dude said. tuition after tt was juz BAD i fell asleep so many times but it was J1 revision anws so its alrite.

omg theres SO much work this week. essays, more essays, and more more essays..

draw me close to You

i realized tt talking to my mom can b pretty cool. to hear a mature adult's pov on issues can b rly enlightening, and wad she said to me rly got me thinking bout my life. she reminded of God's plans for me, and that everything will fall in place if i trust in God : )

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My god, my strength in whom i will trust;
My shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold

i also thank God for the friends around me. they're such amazing people whom i kno i can fall back onto if i ever do need to. im rly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. what would i do without em..

Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out

exactly 6 more weeks to prelims. panic factor is starting to build up due to my lack of revision, and DIRE tendency to procrastinate. there's so much to do, and so little time. i put it all in God's hands : )

ugh sch's starting tmr. im rly not looking forward to it. its gonna b a rly busy week. n the paint in the NL is making me feel rly sick. its juz wayy too pungent and choking it gives me a bad sorethroat. even after a week of airing the classroom. BOO :( thank god it's a short day tmr!

.

i found myself drawing much parallel btwn the characters of Return of the Native, and the world of today. how a book written in 1878 could predict the modern day life reflects greatly on Thomas Hardy's observation skills on the society, and i find myself rly drawn to the stories illustrated by a man born about 200 years ago so similar to my life now.

An analysis of Clym Yeobright's character: "Clym, as has been noted, represents to the mind of the narrator the typical modern man: he is philosophically and intellectually progressive, but he is also portrayed as stoical and largely joyless. wad can i say except bullseye.

just another almost

there are times when all i need is to be alone. to enjoy the serenity, to develop peace within me. and yet, there are other times, when being alone, is simply lethal. so many things spoken or heard today that got me thinking. and i've had just about enough thinking for the week. this isnt an overdeveloped case of the phobia of being alone. yeah, sure, i fear loneliness, but this way surpasses it to the fear of imagination. i fight many thoughts; chuck them neatly into the shelves of my brain, so that i laugh in harmony with the dears around me. but when im alone, on the bus, at home, they threaten to loom over me, drowning me in bleakness

the war of the worlds goes on...

and yet, it is times like these where i turn to the Lord. for the Lord promised in 2 Corinthians

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness" - 12:9

many a times i have sunk in my weakness, and each time i was renewed in God's words. tis a trying time for many people. every person with his or her own book of problems and difficulties. but i kno in God, all things are possible : )

"He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shal faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint" - Isaiah 40:29-31

there's passion AC tmr : ) im really amazed at the opportunity that God has given us to worship together as a school. who knows how many people will be saved tomorrow? and the glory would be to God : ) ive never thot an evangelistic school event was rly possible in s'pore. :p but truly, in God, all things are possible.